Negative thinking can become a habit of
mind, picked up from others. Or it can be little more than a failure of
courage; because sometimes it actually takes guts to remain positive through
setbacks. (Not that I considered winning money a 'setback'.)
I looked at him, thinking; he looked at
me, wondering what I was looking at. Actually, I suppose negative thinking
seems to have its advantages.
Thinking 'the worst', expecting failure
and betrayal, seeing downsides where others don't, even seeing positives as
negatives - all convey a kind of insurance policy. "If I expect the worst,
then I won't be disappointed when it happens."
Another 'advantage' to negative
thinking is the 'I told you so' syndrome. For some, it can feel more important
to be proved right in their negative predictions than to have good things
happen (and therefore be proved 'wrong').
Before I get too positive about
negativity, here's a thought: The habit of thinking negatively doesn't just
predict how likely someone is to become depressed, but also predicts how likely
they are to suffer all kinds of other
illnesses later on in life as well. (1) I'm not suggesting that negative
thoughts alone produce illness, but they don't help.
We're going to look at what you can do
to stop negative thinking. But first, let's examine a common fundamental
mistake the pessimism-prone tend to make.
The 'more realistic' proclamation is a
favourite of cynics everywhere. And in a way they are right. But only because
thinking negatively causes us not to try - or if we do try, to give up sooner -
so the negativity itself influences results. Self-fulfilling prophecies really
do happen. Research has even found that what we believe about our health can have more bearing on how long we
live than our actual health.
(2) So, negative thoughts can plague us even when things seem to be going well:
"It's too good to last!" My first tip has to do with how negative
thinking distorts perception.
Stop
thinking in extremes
Most of life isn't black or white,
completely this or that, all or nothing. But negative thinking tends to view
bad stuff in the extreme. For example:
- Rather than not doing as well as I'd like on my test, I'm going to "fail completely!"
- Instead of my business venture taking a while to get going, it's going to "crash and burn, leaving me ruined!"
- Rather than just feeling a few nerves during my speech, I'm going to "die out there; they're all going to hate me!"
All or nothing thinking misses out the
subtle shades in life. It makes us see the future in terms of dramatic
disasters, failures, and catastrophes. Sure, disasters occasionally happen, but - contrary to the shrill pronouncements
from newsstands - most of life consists of shades of grey.
The first step to overcoming negative
thinking isn't to 'just be positive' all of a sudden, but to look for shades of
grey. Say you've been worrying about a relationship. Rather than thinking:
"It's going to be a disaster, I just know it is" or even "It's
going to be perfect!", how about: "I expect there will be great bits,
good bits, and not so good bits, like any relationship."
Write down what you have been thinking
negatively about. Write the extreme negative statement that comes to mind. Now
write three 'middle of the road' possibilities - not so exciting (or
terrifying), but a more realistic take on what is actually more likely to
happen. Giving your brain more options will reduce emotionality and allow you
to think more clearly.
Stop
over-generalizing the negative
Ask yourself: "If something bad
happens, do I over-generalize it? Do I view it as applying to everything and
being permanent rather than containing it to one place and time?"
For example, if someone turns you down
for a date, do you spread the negativity beyond that person, time, and place by
telling yourself: "Nothing
ever works out for me!"? If you fail a test do you say to yourself,
"Well, I failed that test;
I'm not happy about it, but I'll try harder next time."? Or do you
over-generalize it by telling yourself you're "stupid" or "can't
learn anything!"?
And while we're on the subject...
Don't
minimize the positive
Negative thinking stops people seeing
the positive when it does
happen. It's as if there's a screen filtering out positives and just letting in
stuff that confirms the 'negative bias'. Magnifying setbacks and minimizing
successes leads to de-motivation and misery.
Get into the habit of seeing setbacks
as temporary and specific rather than as permanent and pervasive. We all tend
to find what we look for. If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about
a person, for instance, get into the habit of balancing it out with one
positive thought about them: "He's so insincere... Mind you, to be fair,
he was helpful with that project...and he can be very funny..." The
positive is there but you have to look for it.
Stop
mindreading
Thinking negatively stops us relaxing
with uncertainty. This can lead to 'mindreading'. "She hasn't texted me
back; she doesn't like me!" or "He only said that to make me feel
better, he doesn't really think that!"
Having to assign a meaning to something
before you have real evidence makes you more likely to believe what you imagine
without question. Holding off assigning (made up) meaning to an ambiguous
situation is a key part of overcoming negative thinking.
When you become more positive (or just
more comfortably neutral), you'll be doing more of: "I don't know why she
hasn't texted me back yet..." You'll also be able to consider all possible reasons you can think
of, not just the negative ones.
Here are a few to help you out:
- She's forgotten her phone.
- The phone's battery is dead.
- She's run out of phone credits.
- She's in a lecture.
- She's on a plane.
- She's out of range.
You get the drift. None of these are
attributable to you and your likeability and all are as plausible as any other
explanation.
Stop
taking all the responsibility
If I put it down to 'other people' or
'luck' when something is good or successful and don't take any credit myself
(even if the success was largely down to me), then I am externalizing the positive. Or I might externalize the quality
of goodness from my friend when he does something kind by telling myself:
"He only did that to win favours!" If you (or someone else) do
something good or well, just accept it.
Negative thinkers also tend to do the
opposite. They will internalize
- that is, blame themselves - for all kinds of negatives that have little or
nothing at all to do with them. Look at how much control and influence you really have over things that you tend
to think negatively about.
Stop
forcing your own rules on life
- "If he loved me, he wouldn't do that."
- "If I was a good mother, I wouldn't lose my temper."
- "People shouldn't act like that."
- "If I can't do this, then I must be really stupid!"
- "He was late - he must be seeing someone else!"
- "Saying that means he doesn't respect me!"
- "My medical tests haven't come back and that means it's bad news!"
Sometimes known as 'must-erbation',
making up tight rules as to how reality must
or should be is a sure-fire way of feeling let down by yourself and
others.
This isn't to say that we shouldn't
expect anything from ourselves
and others, but rather that the rules need not be unreasonably inflexible.
If you feel disappointed or let down,
then you must have been expecting something else. Examine what it was and ask
yourself: "Was my expectation too narrow?"
Stop
making stuff up and believing it
Imagination is a wonderful thing, but
not if you use it to scare yourself. Sometimes we need to be able to 'suspend
the functioning of the imagination' (to quote Ernest Hemingway, no less).
Looking at an upcoming event in your mind and negatively hypnotizing yourself
by vividly imagining the worst is like using a hammer to paint a picture. Your
imagination is there as a tool to be used constructively.By practicing
imagining things going well, making it more likely, you'll be calmer in the
situation and it will be a much better use of your time.
If you'd like a flavour of this
exercise, then click the free (yes, there really are no hidden extras) audio
link below.
If you still have wildly negative
thoughts, then at least 'dilute' them by imagining a positive outcome as well
as the negative one. If you imagine forgetting what to say in an upcoming
presentation, immediately disregard that and instead imagine it going well.
Stopping negative thinking takes time
and effort, and to an extent it's a job that's never done. Practicing using
these seven tips will serve you well for the rest of your life – isn't it worth
spending a little time with them now?
Negative thoughts
drain you of energy and keep you from being in the present moment. The more you
give in to your negative thoughts, the stronger they become. I like the imagery
of a small ball rolling along the ground, and as it rolls, it becomes bigger
and faster.
Surround yourself with positive people.
I called a friend who
I knew could give me constructive, yet loving feedback. When you’re stuck in a
negative spiral, talk to people who can put things into perspective and won’t
feed your negative thinking.
Change the tone of your thoughts from negative to positive.
For example, instead
of thinking, “We are going to have a hard time adjusting to our living
situation,” think, “We will face some challenges in our living situation, but
we will come up with solutions that we will both be happy with.”
Don’t play the victim. You create your life—take responsibility.
The way I was thinking
and acting, you would think I was stuck. Even if our living situation becomes
unbearable, there is always a way out. I will always have the choice to make
change happen, if need be.
Help someone.
Take the focus away
from you and do something nice for another person. I decided to
make a tray of food and donate it to the Salvation Army. It took my
mind off of things and I felt better for helping someone else.
Remember that no one is perfect and let yourself move forward.
It’s easy to dwell on
your mistakes. I felt terrible that I acted this way and that I wasted our
weekend. The only thing I can do now is learn from my mistakes and move
forward. I definitely don’t want to have a weekend like that again.
Sing.
I don’t remember
lyrics very well and it’s probably the reason that I don’t enjoy singing, but
every time I do sing I always feel better . When we sing, we show our feelings
and this provides an amazing stress relief.
List four things that you are grateful for right now.
Being grateful helps
appreciate what you already have. Here’s my list: My cats, health, a six-week
trip to Asia, a new yoga class that I’ll be teaching, and for my mom’s biopsy
coming out clean.
